It's Been a While...

This is the part where Dae always starts singing, and I usually poke him until he stops, because it annoys me. But that's really why he does it, so there's our dysfunctional relationship in a pistachio shell. Anyway.

Summer happened. Gosh. It really has been a while. I worked in one city, Damon worked in another. We were about an hour apart, which was rough sometimes. It's okay if you think I'm pathetic. I kind of think I'm pathetic. But nevertheless, we kept on with the Skype dates (which I hated) and the early morning phone calls and late nights tucking the phone between ears and pillows, even when we both had to be up early for work. Lots of driving. LOTS of driving. I was in a car all the time. If I wasn't driving for work, I was going to see him, or picking him up to go see someone else. It was a five thousand mile summer.

Being in the same city is nice. I missed being able to get ice cream with him because we both were free for an hour. Such a nice change. He's taken to making marriage jokes on a more regular basis, and I've warmed up to the idea significantly. We're in a premarital class now, which is fun. And disorienting. The class is technically for couples, but the church has opened it up for singles, too, which is awkward to me. Several of my friends are taking it as singles, and I kind of wish they weren't. When the instructor asks questions in class, it's difficult enough to be vulnerable about your response, but especially when fifteen single people are hanging on your every word.

How does it sound to a single person when someone in a committed relationship admits their struggles to a marriage counselor? Awkward. Among other fleshy, selfish, human emotions, I just want to share my struggles with other couples, because I feel like they'll have more grace for me.

Anyway. Busy week!

Quality Time, Purity, and the Woes of Engineering Majors

So. Okay.

These past three weeks have been a mad dash of homework and tests and major library time. And it's one of those things where you get so caught up in your responsibilities and how crazy homework is and how much you need to finish before you get to bed and how long can you sleep and still get everything turned in on time...and you miss out on important things.

Ask me how many times I've seen my boyfriend in the past three weeks.

Loads!

Ask me how many times I've seen my boyfriend outside of the library in the past three weeks.

....

Don't misunderstand. Time with Damon is always good. But I won't put a bow on studying together in a crowded university library and call it quality time. It's more like, "We have to suffer through this, we might as well suffer together."

And like I said, you don't really notice you're missing those things. Until you're really missing those things.

Tonight, I was working on an online physics assignment. Dae had come over to study, but ended up just curled up on the couch with me, helping with physics and keeping me warm. Oh! It snowed today. It's May fifth. #Kansas.

Anyway. He said he was going to leave at eleven fifteen. And eleven ten rolled around. "Babe, can you put that away for four minutes?"

So I laid on the couch with him for three and a half minutes, almost falling asleep to the sound of his breath and his heartbeat while he fiddled with my ring finger. I'm exhausted. It's been nonstop lately. And I'm not complaining. I signed up for this, and I love every second of what I'm working toward right now. But I'm tired, too. And if I don't stop long enough to acknowledge that, then I don't really notice, but three and a half minutes is a long time to lay on a couch with someone you love.

So he convinced me to sit up and walk him to the door. And at the door, hugging him goodbye, it hit me that this was the first three and a half minutes of non-obligatory quality time that we'd had in three weeks. And I started crying in the doorway of my home, feeling like the most ridiculous child in the entire world.

Rest assured, he handled in very gracefully. He wrapped me in his arms for a long minute, and then told me to go get my shoes, and he drove me around while we talked about our days and how good God is and how blessed we both are. And we prayed together. And I got a kiss goodnight. And he thanked me, thanked me, for bursting into tears at the door. "I'm never going to like it when I make you cry. But it shows me you care. I don't want to leave, ever, but if me leaving hurts you and I can see that, it makes me feel loved."

Part of me feels like we're a little silly. But I love him so very much.

Which brings us to topic number two: Purity!

Real talk: waiting is hard sometimes. I don't just mean waiting for sex. That's important. But not having sex isn't the same as being pure. Being pure is a mentality that comes from keeping your thoughts away from the things that cause you to stray, keeping your words away from the topics that cause others to stray, keeping your dress away from those outfits that cause boys to stumble, and keeping your actions from causing the one you love to stumble.

I'm not going to pretend that I know a lot about this whole conundrum. I didn't date in high school. I was nineteen and a half before I had my first kiss. And God willing, Damon is the man I will marry someday, but that doesn't give me the right to seek any sort of physical affection aside from an occasional peck. Because those things aren't conducive to a focused and Christ centered relationship outside of marriage.

Do you disagree? That's fine. You might have more self control than I do. But making out with your boyfriend isn't going to further your relationship in the right ways, is it? Do you think about that? How is what you do together drawing you nearer to Christ?

I'm not saying these things outside of experience. The first full day I got to spend with Damon, a week or so after we actually started dating, we pretty much spent eight hours kissing. And if I could go back, I would pull myself out of that situation by my ear, because how silly could I be?

Scripture tells us to flee from temptation. And things that you think aren't temptation right now--like kissing your boyfriend while watching Star Wars--can lead to temptation later on in your relationship. We made ourselves believe that kissing that way and in that quantity was okay. And then it was all we wanted to do.

So. This past week, we fasted from kissing. Still in said fast. I get one peck goodnight every night, but other than that, not so much as a forehead kiss for this girl. And I have to say, after the initial awfulness of not being able to kiss his wrist when he's driving or his cheek when I say goodbye on campus, after all of that, it's been really, really good for us. We've been talking more. I mean. It's been a crazy week, so there really wasn't much room for those distractions, but abstaining from the small stuff has been good for our focus--in the Word, in our studies, and in our relationship--whoa!

We've agreed that it should probably be a consistent practice--not so strictly, maybe, but at least limiting the amount of time our faces are very close together, so that we can be functional adults sometimes. But it's very cool to see how God grows us and keeps showing us how good He is and how blessed we are to even be able to share in this relationship. I love this boy very much.

Well this is awkward

Hello! I missed you!

It's been a few months since I updated this thing. Long enough for some very important events to go overlooked, like the establishment of an actual relationship or the first "I love you," or my first kiss...so many things you've missed out on!

Allow me to sum it up simply: I love that boy. And I'm not kidding around with that statement. In fact, give me a few years. I'm going to marry that boy. And this isn't one of those awkward situations where the girl is all ahead of the game and thinking about marriage and the boy is sitting at home playing Halo. We've talked about it. He's talked about it. To me, to his friends, to his little sister...it's a real live thing that we're going to share. And I am so excited for that.

But for right now, let me remind myself and anyone reading this that our focus in this relationship shouldn't be for three years from now. I need to put my attention into the things happening around me right this second, and I need to be able to enjoy the part of the relationship that we get to share right now, namely midnight gas station runs, ice cream, concerts, walks in the park, library dates, drives in the country...there's so much to miss out on when our focus is ahead of us instead of where our feet are.

And there's more to it than that. God doesn't want us to be thinking about what's ahead so much that we miss opportunities right now. His will is happening this very second, and that means that in the meantime, I can't be thinking about flowers or rings. But some day, we get to be that obnoxious couple with all the adorable wedding photos. And that's enough for right now.

A world of firsts...

Reporting from the front lines. First date. My first, ever. I'm a little giddy, maybe. My heart is doing somersaults all over the place. We had coffee and then lunch and then a movie and then dinner and then we came home and watched Netflix for another hour before he finally drove home. I'm riding a little bit of a high off of his face and his presence. My heart is all jumbled up in the thought of him.

We've been saying, "I like you," in situations where appropriate, to express our affections for one another, because we both know it's too early for something stronger than that. I tried to explain that like isn't it, though. It's more complete and exhilarating than that. I'm certainly not going to tell him I'm in love with him before some kind of DTR is on the table. I hope my brain is listening.

Oh. My. Soul.

Boys are difficult.

So we've been praying about pursuing a relationship. It's been about a month since everything unfolded, and we've been pretty diligent in our prayer lives, making an effort to give this area in particular over to God's control. But the more time we spend in prayer, the more certain we both are. And with that certainty comes certain liberties. Like forehead kisses.

He is trying to kill me. Oh. My. Soul.

He's also determined that touching my face literally shuts down all of my motor function. And it's finals week. This is a problem.

Needless to say, my focus is a little divided. So today, preparing for my differential equations exam, I sat down for my morning reading and explored 1 Samuel 7, where God delivers the sinful Israelite nation that cried out for His help from the hands of the Philistines. I'm not saying the Philistines weren't a sinful nation. But the Israelites were God's chosen people, and they had turned their backs on Him to worship false idols.

The Israelites were in trouble, and they sought Samuel's wisdom. These people had been in mourning for twenty years before they realized what they needed to do. Samuel told them to give up their false idols and serve The Lord whole-heartedly. Easier said than done, right? So they gathered together--that's right. The entire Israelite nation. They all got together and cried out to God. They fasted and repented in the name of The Lord, which is awesome to witness, even in scripture. But--and there's always a but with these stories--the Philistines got word that the entire Israelite nation was gathered together, sitting ducks for a massacre, and what did they do? They charged!

So often am I in this position, with a thousand scary things coming at me, eating at my time, GPA, self worth, and confidence. They chip away at my ability to see the world and the people in it as God sees them, beautiful and worthy of love. And I get scared, because what if I screw up, or something goes terribly wrong, or I break my heart over some boy that I care far too much for?

Dae and I are a thing that I have to give The Lord full control over, because I'll go crazy otherwise. And finals? Shoot. God shook an entire Philistine army with thunder when Samuel cried out to Him on behalf of the Israelite nation. If I cry out to Him, in faith, what (not to mention who) could possibly stand against me?

God is bigger than my iniquities. And he is so much bigger than these silly exams. 

Well this is interesting.

In the aftermath of the DTR that ripped my heart in half, I've been spending an interesting week outside of my comfort zone. I don't get to talk to him nearly as often, because that stirs up feelings and hurt that don't need to be associated with his face. But he's still my best friend, and I'm not going to stop loving him. On that note, I have been trying to spend time with other people and build relationships outside of my small friend group. I had lunch with someone today. We're figuring each other out, still, but he's ridiculous and honest and his relationship with the Lord is incredible. I stand to learn a lot from him.

But he isn't Damon, and he doesn't read my mind or grab my hand when I'm scared or lost. He doesn't know when I'm struggling and he doesn't realize when I'm hurting. And he doesn't like musicals, which is ludicrous.

Josh, Damon, Aubrey and I went to see the Unashamed tour on Saturday night. It was epic. I don't handle crowds extremely well, which made Damon laugh, and he took my pulse while we stood in the massive throng of people. Just his fingertips on my wrist--some of the only physical contact that I'd shared with him in a week--made me feel more at ease. I fell asleep tucked into his shoulder on the way home. He doesn't know I noticed--he thought I was asleep when he did it--but at some point during the ride, he took my hand. It was perfect.

So, obviously, things are getting worse. Monday night he wanted to talk, and I couldn't give him any time until eleven, but he promised that it was perfect. I told him about the boy who had expressed an interest in me--he laughed at me. "Conor, I knew. You aren't as sneaky as you think."

I'm plenty sneaky. Just FYI. I tried to explain to him why I hadn't told him sooner, but it turned into him wrapping me up in a giant hug and my heart completely melting. I told him that he wasn't making this any easier, but he just held me a little tighter. So we're a giant mess.

He told me that my playing the piano and the ukulele were two things that made this more difficult for him. I told him that he was left handed and wore glasses. And to stop it.

"I haven't worn my glasses in a while. Do you want me to wear them more?"
"Damon, which direction do you want this to go?"
"I'll wear my glasses more."

That was the sound of me dying. Send help.

In an last ditch effort to find something to disagree with him over, I asked if he liked musicals, to which he responded, "I haven't seen very many. But I loved the sound of music."

Yep. Done.

Relationship Got Swag

On Thursday night, after a giant exam, I wasn't feeling like seeing people, but God had other plans. Josh asked for our help making cookies to take to the homeless shelter, so before Aubrey got home from work, I mixed up dough, and then we went over to the boys' house to do some baking. It was good bonding time for us. Josh and I did the baking, and mutually nerded out over cameras and film. Aubrey was working on calculus homework, and Damon was helping her with it. He was so tired.

At one point, Josh was working on a pan of cookies, and Aubrey was trying to teach Damon to sit cross-legged. I love these people too much. Aubrey and I talked later about how she'd really just been itching to have a conversation with Josh, and how God is faithful with our worries, because shortly after dishes were washed and cookies were boxed up, Josh made coffee and the two of them got to sit down and talk. Damon and I sat and watched his roommates play Halo for a while, and then when they'd gone to bed, just sitting on the couch together in appreciative silence. I hadn't been itching to have a conversation. Damon and I talk a lot. I was just glad to have his shoulder to lean on.

Aubrey and Josh get a little crazy sometimes. A few nights ago we were studying, and she went for his hand, and instead of letting her grab it, he clenched his fist, and they spent a good ten minutes fighting over the hand hold...I was sitting next to Damon on the other side of the table. We'd been holding hands for about twenty minutes. While they were fighting, I looked up at him. "I'm really glad I don't have to fight you for this." He just squeezed my hand and said, "I love them. But I'm really glad we aren't like that."

And we aren't. Our relationship is distinct. And I rely on him to keep me grounded. But in the midst of our wonderfulness and the ease of our relationship, I forget sometimes the significance of guarding my heart, even from someone as harmless and fantastic as Damon.

The problem with relationships with Christian boys is that they are either absolutely platonic or they play for keeps. I'm really not prepared to deal with either instance. My love for Damon is this mixed up mush of knowing someone exactly too well and realizing that one step further is exactly where you aren't prepared to go. God definitely laid it on my heart this week as we were going about our business, talking all the time, seeing each other every day, and laughing at inappropriate moments in conversations with other people because each of us knew what the other was thinking. I hit a wall about Wednesday, and I started to realize that I was going to have to talk to him about it soon.

We were supposed to go for a hike on Friday, but once he realized that something was wrong, which, darn him, he knew right away because he knows my heart, he proposed we talk.

After some discussion about what was going on between us and where we truly wanted to be, we agreed that distance was absolutely necessary. I won't say I'm going crazy. In fact, I'm actually doing fairly well, all things considered. I've seen him twice this weekend, both brief encounters, both fairly awkward. We're currently taking a fifty-seven hour break from each other, broken by evening phone chats to debrief and not go crazy. Josh is downstairs right now with Aubrey, spending time with her while she bakes. I don't know how much he knows about the current situation, because he was gone all weekend, so he and Damon may or may not have talked yet. He did spend all weekend with a boy who told me Thursday that he was interested in building an intentional relationship with me, and I don't feel like he was willing to keep that from Josh.

So Josh might think I've had a big weekend. He would be correct.

Anyway. I was struggling through this concept of guarding my heart and clearing things up with Damon, and God dropped some wisdom in my lap.

Philippians 4:7
And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your heart and your mind in Christ Jesus.

I wrote it on my arm for like the fourth time this morning. I've changed the "your" to "OUR" with the constant reminder that two of us are struggling here. I'm praying for him always, and I know we're going to figure this business out and learn how to be friends that don't stumble over silly things like feelings. God wants us to build uplifting relationships, and the root of that notion is building a foundation in the word and in Christ. We're growing, here.