Oh. My. Soul.

Boys are difficult.

So we've been praying about pursuing a relationship. It's been about a month since everything unfolded, and we've been pretty diligent in our prayer lives, making an effort to give this area in particular over to God's control. But the more time we spend in prayer, the more certain we both are. And with that certainty comes certain liberties. Like forehead kisses.

He is trying to kill me. Oh. My. Soul.

He's also determined that touching my face literally shuts down all of my motor function. And it's finals week. This is a problem.

Needless to say, my focus is a little divided. So today, preparing for my differential equations exam, I sat down for my morning reading and explored 1 Samuel 7, where God delivers the sinful Israelite nation that cried out for His help from the hands of the Philistines. I'm not saying the Philistines weren't a sinful nation. But the Israelites were God's chosen people, and they had turned their backs on Him to worship false idols.

The Israelites were in trouble, and they sought Samuel's wisdom. These people had been in mourning for twenty years before they realized what they needed to do. Samuel told them to give up their false idols and serve The Lord whole-heartedly. Easier said than done, right? So they gathered together--that's right. The entire Israelite nation. They all got together and cried out to God. They fasted and repented in the name of The Lord, which is awesome to witness, even in scripture. But--and there's always a but with these stories--the Philistines got word that the entire Israelite nation was gathered together, sitting ducks for a massacre, and what did they do? They charged!

So often am I in this position, with a thousand scary things coming at me, eating at my time, GPA, self worth, and confidence. They chip away at my ability to see the world and the people in it as God sees them, beautiful and worthy of love. And I get scared, because what if I screw up, or something goes terribly wrong, or I break my heart over some boy that I care far too much for?

Dae and I are a thing that I have to give The Lord full control over, because I'll go crazy otherwise. And finals? Shoot. God shook an entire Philistine army with thunder when Samuel cried out to Him on behalf of the Israelite nation. If I cry out to Him, in faith, what (not to mention who) could possibly stand against me?

God is bigger than my iniquities. And he is so much bigger than these silly exams. 

Well this is interesting.

In the aftermath of the DTR that ripped my heart in half, I've been spending an interesting week outside of my comfort zone. I don't get to talk to him nearly as often, because that stirs up feelings and hurt that don't need to be associated with his face. But he's still my best friend, and I'm not going to stop loving him. On that note, I have been trying to spend time with other people and build relationships outside of my small friend group. I had lunch with someone today. We're figuring each other out, still, but he's ridiculous and honest and his relationship with the Lord is incredible. I stand to learn a lot from him.

But he isn't Damon, and he doesn't read my mind or grab my hand when I'm scared or lost. He doesn't know when I'm struggling and he doesn't realize when I'm hurting. And he doesn't like musicals, which is ludicrous.

Josh, Damon, Aubrey and I went to see the Unashamed tour on Saturday night. It was epic. I don't handle crowds extremely well, which made Damon laugh, and he took my pulse while we stood in the massive throng of people. Just his fingertips on my wrist--some of the only physical contact that I'd shared with him in a week--made me feel more at ease. I fell asleep tucked into his shoulder on the way home. He doesn't know I noticed--he thought I was asleep when he did it--but at some point during the ride, he took my hand. It was perfect.

So, obviously, things are getting worse. Monday night he wanted to talk, and I couldn't give him any time until eleven, but he promised that it was perfect. I told him about the boy who had expressed an interest in me--he laughed at me. "Conor, I knew. You aren't as sneaky as you think."

I'm plenty sneaky. Just FYI. I tried to explain to him why I hadn't told him sooner, but it turned into him wrapping me up in a giant hug and my heart completely melting. I told him that he wasn't making this any easier, but he just held me a little tighter. So we're a giant mess.

He told me that my playing the piano and the ukulele were two things that made this more difficult for him. I told him that he was left handed and wore glasses. And to stop it.

"I haven't worn my glasses in a while. Do you want me to wear them more?"
"Damon, which direction do you want this to go?"
"I'll wear my glasses more."

That was the sound of me dying. Send help.

In an last ditch effort to find something to disagree with him over, I asked if he liked musicals, to which he responded, "I haven't seen very many. But I loved the sound of music."

Yep. Done.

Relationship Got Swag

On Thursday night, after a giant exam, I wasn't feeling like seeing people, but God had other plans. Josh asked for our help making cookies to take to the homeless shelter, so before Aubrey got home from work, I mixed up dough, and then we went over to the boys' house to do some baking. It was good bonding time for us. Josh and I did the baking, and mutually nerded out over cameras and film. Aubrey was working on calculus homework, and Damon was helping her with it. He was so tired.

At one point, Josh was working on a pan of cookies, and Aubrey was trying to teach Damon to sit cross-legged. I love these people too much. Aubrey and I talked later about how she'd really just been itching to have a conversation with Josh, and how God is faithful with our worries, because shortly after dishes were washed and cookies were boxed up, Josh made coffee and the two of them got to sit down and talk. Damon and I sat and watched his roommates play Halo for a while, and then when they'd gone to bed, just sitting on the couch together in appreciative silence. I hadn't been itching to have a conversation. Damon and I talk a lot. I was just glad to have his shoulder to lean on.

Aubrey and Josh get a little crazy sometimes. A few nights ago we were studying, and she went for his hand, and instead of letting her grab it, he clenched his fist, and they spent a good ten minutes fighting over the hand hold...I was sitting next to Damon on the other side of the table. We'd been holding hands for about twenty minutes. While they were fighting, I looked up at him. "I'm really glad I don't have to fight you for this." He just squeezed my hand and said, "I love them. But I'm really glad we aren't like that."

And we aren't. Our relationship is distinct. And I rely on him to keep me grounded. But in the midst of our wonderfulness and the ease of our relationship, I forget sometimes the significance of guarding my heart, even from someone as harmless and fantastic as Damon.

The problem with relationships with Christian boys is that they are either absolutely platonic or they play for keeps. I'm really not prepared to deal with either instance. My love for Damon is this mixed up mush of knowing someone exactly too well and realizing that one step further is exactly where you aren't prepared to go. God definitely laid it on my heart this week as we were going about our business, talking all the time, seeing each other every day, and laughing at inappropriate moments in conversations with other people because each of us knew what the other was thinking. I hit a wall about Wednesday, and I started to realize that I was going to have to talk to him about it soon.

We were supposed to go for a hike on Friday, but once he realized that something was wrong, which, darn him, he knew right away because he knows my heart, he proposed we talk.

After some discussion about what was going on between us and where we truly wanted to be, we agreed that distance was absolutely necessary. I won't say I'm going crazy. In fact, I'm actually doing fairly well, all things considered. I've seen him twice this weekend, both brief encounters, both fairly awkward. We're currently taking a fifty-seven hour break from each other, broken by evening phone chats to debrief and not go crazy. Josh is downstairs right now with Aubrey, spending time with her while she bakes. I don't know how much he knows about the current situation, because he was gone all weekend, so he and Damon may or may not have talked yet. He did spend all weekend with a boy who told me Thursday that he was interested in building an intentional relationship with me, and I don't feel like he was willing to keep that from Josh.

So Josh might think I've had a big weekend. He would be correct.

Anyway. I was struggling through this concept of guarding my heart and clearing things up with Damon, and God dropped some wisdom in my lap.

Philippians 4:7
And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your heart and your mind in Christ Jesus.

I wrote it on my arm for like the fourth time this morning. I've changed the "your" to "OUR" with the constant reminder that two of us are struggling here. I'm praying for him always, and I know we're going to figure this business out and learn how to be friends that don't stumble over silly things like feelings. God wants us to build uplifting relationships, and the root of that notion is building a foundation in the word and in Christ. We're growing, here.

Good morning, starshine!

Today was the first of many basketball lotteries that I'll be attending this semester. Basically what happens is a giant swarm of KU students show up at Allen Fieldhouse to sign up for spots in line, and then we camp in groups until the game. I know it sounds intense, but that's because it is.

Anyway, lottery was at six, and afterwards, I had time to go for a run, eat breakfast, run to Starbucks, and sit down with Jesus. I'm feeling very accomplished.

Monday night was the last of the month, which is when open swim is held. This is a nondenominational inter-ministry worship time, and it's wonderful. My roommate and I got to go for about an hour, and I sat with the boys and sang my heart out. I love worshiping through music. It is absolutely one of my favorite things. During the confession portion of the worship, one of the leaders shared the second half of Psalm 73 with the crew, and although I've heard the passage a thousand times, I still feel like there's so much for me to learn from it. In particular:

Psalm 73:28
But as for me, it is good to be near God. I have made the Sovereign Lord my refuge; I will tell of all your deeds.

We seek refuge in a sovereign God. Do you know what sovereign means? Sovereign means supreme ruler. When we allow God to take that position and be the supreme ruler in our hearts and lives, He becomes our refuge and strength. Isn't that amazing?

The other bit I really wanted to emphasize is that God expects us to give Him control. Whatever that looks like in your life. I have difficulty giving Him time. Anyone who ever told you that God wasn't looking for a big time commitment was lying. He expects us to give Him our entire lives. For me, that doesn't mean reading the Bible for the fourteen to eighteen hours a day that I'm awake, but it does mean going to Him with a humble spirit and allowing Him to work through me, when I'm studying or working or spending time with my friends.

Also:

Psalm 73:23
Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand.

I love to hold hands. It's one of my favorite ways of expressing affection, and it's such a loving way to interact. Damon was in the back seat of my car last night, and he was holding my right hand in both of his, and it brought me so much joy. Aubrey and I walk arm in arm when we're together, usually, but when she wants my attention, she grabs my hand. Josh and I don't do a lot of the physical touch,  I think because he know that it isn't my primary love language, but when he wants to reassure me, he squeezes my hand.

Hand holding is such a heartfelt part of loving people, and so when God holds me by my right hand, I feel that. I love the idea that He has a grip on my fingers at all time, and He guides me in that way. We serve a fantastic Father.

Buck Up, Buttercup

Tonight is the hall Halloween party. Right now, everyone is running up and down the halls, going a little crazy getting their costumes together, coordinating with friends and boyfriends. Aubrey and my roommate are going as Siamese twins, which is sort of adorable, and I'm dressed as Cinderella.

I don't really like Halloween. Costumes and big jewelry and thick black eyeliner are just another collegiate excuse to get drunk, and honestly, the idea of putting on a facade in the name of celebration is odd to me. Damon came over for a few minutes tonight, to say hello, and, more specifically, to say goodbye. He and Josh are going to Nebraska for the weekend, probably to do some really awesome things and have a wonderful time. I'll still miss them.Tomorrow is the KU Homecoming football game, which just means Lawrence is going to be chalk full of people and noise and booze. I find myself feeling a little like what I want to do right now is curl up in a ball. I want to be away from people for a few minutes, take a rain check on all of my responsibilities, and recharge my batteries. But I know my needs are in second place. So here we go.

God is never gentle with me. This week, He really laid out Abraham's call in front of me. I feel my body rebelling against the idea of dropping everything for God's call, but I know that I won't have to deliberate if that's what he decides. Maybe this latent dull mood is from that feeling of helplessness, and lack of control.

Genesis 12:1-3
The Lord had said to Abram,"Leave your country, your people and your father's household and go to the land I will show you. I will make you into a great nation and I will bless you; I will make your name great and you will be a blessing. I will bless those who bless you, and whoever curses you I will curse; and all peoples on earth will be blessed through you."

What strikes me about this passage most is God's statement: "You will be a blessing."

Am I a blessing to those around me? By my faith, actions, and love, am I blessing those around me, encouraging them, and allowing them to feel welcome and loved?

What you do today counts forever. I know God's doing a work in me right now, and I know that if I listen, and follow, and act according to His will, my life will reflect that. But sometimes I'm human, and I don't want to listen properly, because I'm a child, and I want to do things that aren't best for me or the people around me because they're fun. I need to set aside what I expect of myself and reach for God's standards, regardless of my attitude. Because when I'm closest to God, and most in tune with His perfect will for my life, my attitude isn't a problem.

All By Myself

Everyone is gone this weekend. Aubrey's gone home for the day, and the boys are at a conference for their student ministry. That leaves me. By myself.

It's not that I'm destructive when I'm alone, but I go a little crazy. Human contact is a vital part of my day. Now I have to do homework. By myself. And decide when and what to eat. For myself. Adult choices are hard.

I spent Thursday evening with middle school and high school girls, sharing testimonies and offering encouragement. Aubrey told them her story about how God took hold of her life, and I shared about how Aubrey and I had grown because of each other, and how a friendship founded in Christ can change you. It was a really awesome night, and we even got to share a little bit about how encouraging it is to be friends with boys who love Jesus more than they love you.

I remember my relationships with boys in high school, and I'm to only more thankful for what we have now. I've never dated, and honestly, the prospect is a little terrifying. But I know that God has someone for me who's going to assuage all those fears, someone whose mutual awkwardness is going to make me fall in love with him. And I don't have to worry about that, because God's in control.

Anyway. I reread Romans 6 today, and it's still really awesome and really convicting and an extremely well put outline of what living for Christ should look like, but I'm actually going to share what Damon gave me yesterday. We do this thing where we write scripture on our arms--at least, Aubrey and I do. Yesterday, I noticed that Damon had written something on his wrist, just under his watch.

John 15:16-17
You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit--fruit that will last. Then the Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. This is my command: Love each other.

Isn't that cool? We were selected by God to bring His kingdom to the earth, to show people what a truly Christ centered life looks like, and to make disciples, the way He made disciples of us. And I don't think it's any mistake that the very next verse commands us to love each other. How do you show someone that you're a believer? Start by loving them, wholeheartedly, unconditionally, and without pause or regret. The way Christ loves us.

Hide and Seek

You know that awkward moment when you can spend five hours with someone, knowing exactly what's going on in their brain, and then in the last five minutes, something changes, and you're left with a really awful feeling in the pit of your stomach like everything is wrong?

On a separate note.

Damon and I threw mugs at the back of his house a few days ago, because he was frustrated about things, and it was fun. I was unexpectedly giddy over the whole experience. We were discussing how we deal with frustration, and I generally like to shout at things. Inanimate objects, usually, will get quite the earful when I'm feeling annoyed. Anyway, Damon doesn't like to shout. "Throwing things may help."

It was so fun, not only because I broke one of the mugs, which was so exciting, but because Damon really seemed to be in his element. He loves baseball, and there was a really fantastic moment where he was winding up a mug, using what he'd learned as a baseball player, totally unaware of everything around him. Sometimes it's hard to have boys for best friends, because I forget about keeping things to myself and guarding my heart. I told him yesterday, after he challenged me on something, "You don't know my life!" which is actually something I say a lot, but he responded with, "Actually, I know a lot of it. And I'm thankful for that."

Dawwww.

Onto the point.

Today sucked. I left the assignment that I'd spent two hours on last night before bed in my desk drawer, instead of bringing it to class this morning. So, after panicking, I texted Aubrey, and then Damon. Aubrey because she could potentially help me, and Damon because he's an engineer, and he understands when I do stupid things that it's not my fault, but that the blame rests squarely shoulders of the school of engineering. Aubrey couldn't help. Damon offered to. Whale. Moving on.

So, sitting in diff eq, feeling like an idiot, I found some encouragement and a nice reminder that my day went wrong not in linear when I realized my homework was missing, but two hours prior, when I forgot to open my Bible.

Matthew 6:33
But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

I'm not going to pretend I don't sleep in approximately seven days a week. Getting up is hard for me. And when I make mistakes because I sleep in, I beat myself up over it, and it sucks. But God wants me to make Him the start of my day, even when I sleep in, and even when I don't think I have time, He wants me to set everything down, quiet my soul, and put Him first.

Under Grace

Yesterday, one of my best friends was baptized. There are three people I will mention most often: Aubrey is my best friend and roommate. Josh and Damon are the two boys that we're closest to. Josh and Aubrey are very outgoing and social, and both feel called to the mission field. Damon and I are engineering students and are much more socially awkward. We're a very happy foursome.

So, Damon was baptized yesterday, and it's the most incredible feeling, watching someone you love so much have their sins washed away. I know there is some theological debate about how baptisms should be handled--some people were sprinkled as a baby, Catholics have a first communion ceremony, Methodists have confirmation, but I've always felt like this was how God intended for baptism to take place. It's an adult decision, and it's a difficult one.

Immediately, I know he felt some inner conflict. We spoke last night and he was already frustrated and isolated by his circumstances, and I realized that this is only a testament of how messed up the devil is over Damon joining the ranks to fight the good fight. When we establish a relationship with Christ, when we're baptized in the Holy Spirit, when we make public our faith through baptism and stand in our faith, trusting God to carry us, we make ourselves targets of the enemy. He really does come to steal and kill and destroy (John 10:10) but God has grace enough to sustain us in our weakness.

Romans 6:14
For sin shall not be your master, because you are not under law, but under grace.

Sometimes the choices we make, especially the right ones, are going to suck, because the world doesn't understand why we are the way we are. But His grace is sufficient, and even when the devil attacks us head on, we can stand firm, because our God is bigger.

Blind leading blind

Today was a good day for God to just take away all I had been standing on. I've been in strategic life training intensive for the past three days, and it's like coming off of the strangest spiritual high. I had mixed up my weekends, because I'm irresponsible and distracted, so initially I had planned on skipping Saturday, because I had a benefit walk at the same time as the training session. Silly me.

I feel like God really gets a kick out of us making plans. "You can have this fifteen minutes, God, but then I have to go get coffee with my friends...I can only talk for five minutes, Father, my show is starting." For me, it's almost always, "God, I have to finish my homework before lecture, can we make this a short one?" Today was a day that I really didn't want to give it up. Even after I realized that my morning plans had fallen through, I was still a brat about the time He wanted me to spend in His presence.

My best friend (and roommate), Aubrey, woke me up at 8:00 to get ready, and my entire body completely rejected the idea of staying conscious. I lay in bed for a long time, staring at the ceiling and trying to convince God that today was a good day to be lazy.

After I dragged myself out of bed, dressed myself, and filled my water bottle, I stared at myself in the mirror for a long time. When people frustrate me, I usually think to myself, You are a beautiful creation of God, and He wants me to love you as much as He does. It doesn't always work, but most of the time, it keeps me from using some harsh, hasty words. This morning, I tried the same thing on myself. I was still pretty annoyed with the day.

When we got to the church for the first session, I was still trying to explain to God why today was a bad day for us to hang out. The speaker for the morning session, Don Walker, went ahead and knocked the wind right out of my puffed up sails. "Don't try to bargain with God. If you do, He'll only turn up the flames."

God doesn't want our half-hearted attempts at a relationship. He wants us to give Him the fullest of our devotion, because then He can take care of the rest.

John 3:30 was on my heart today. He must become greater; I must become less. How true is that? Every single day, I have to forget what I think my purpose is and let God take the reins. And by His grace, I might learn how.

Success is a world standard

So I was doing the math today. Last week was pretty much my worst week. I had five exams that I did equally poorly on, and now I'm getting grades back, and it sucks, because I killed myself over these stupid tests, but there is literally no reward. And the professor handed my that glimmering 72% and my first reaction was, "What can I do from here to bring my grade up?" Next came the thought that really should've broken me: "How can I be a successful adult and support myself financially with these grades?" 

I find it very easy to forget sometimes that God didn't put me in this place to be financially secure. He doesn't care about my favorite jeans or the shoes I wore to class today. And he doesn't think I should care either. Why should I have designer sunglasses? What exactly is the endgame to purchasing $180 polarized lenses? The chemistry of polar compounds and stereochemistry is interesting, certainly. But purchasing those sunglasses isn't going to edify God.

In Philippians, Paul and Timothy are sharing a lot of wisdom with the early Christians in Philippi. There's a lot of instruction, and a fair bit of [constructive] criticism regarding the way the Philippians had been living since the crucifixion. There's a lot in Philippians that I've learned from, because sometimes (more often than I'd like to admit to) I live like someone who's forgotten the sacrifice that was made for me. 

Philippians 4:6-7 
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

A friend recently dropped this passage on me with his own bit of wisdom. Josh is such a passionate follower, and his love of the word is a constant inspiration in my own walk. "Do you know what supplication means? To humbly pray and petition to God. That's what he wants. He wants to talk to us." Picture a nineteen year old boy vibrating with excitement over the prospect of talking with such an awesome Creator. 

Peace isn't the absence of care. I will always care about my grades, because I know God has blessed me with a passion for this subject matter to further His Kingdom in my own life, and to do that, I need to not fail out of college. But His peace in me means that I won't be burdened by my grades, because my worth doesn't come from them. As long as I seek the Kingdom first, God will guide me through the rest.