In the aftermath of the DTR that ripped my heart in half, I've been spending an interesting week outside of my comfort zone. I don't get to talk to him nearly as often, because that stirs up feelings and hurt that don't need to be associated with his face. But he's still my best friend, and I'm not going to stop loving him. On that note, I have been trying to spend time with other people and build relationships outside of my small friend group. I had lunch with someone today. We're figuring each other out, still, but he's ridiculous and honest and his relationship with the Lord is incredible. I stand to learn a lot from him.
But he isn't Damon, and he doesn't read my mind or grab my hand when I'm scared or lost. He doesn't know when I'm struggling and he doesn't realize when I'm hurting. And he doesn't like musicals, which is ludicrous.
Josh, Damon, Aubrey and I went to see the Unashamed tour on Saturday night. It was epic. I don't handle crowds extremely well, which made Damon laugh, and he took my pulse while we stood in the massive throng of people. Just his fingertips on my wrist--some of the only physical contact that I'd shared with him in a week--made me feel more at ease. I fell asleep tucked into his shoulder on the way home. He doesn't know I noticed--he thought I was asleep when he did it--but at some point during the ride, he took my hand. It was perfect.
So, obviously, things are getting worse. Monday night he wanted to talk, and I couldn't give him any time until eleven, but he promised that it was perfect. I told him about the boy who had expressed an interest in me--he laughed at me. "Conor, I knew. You aren't as sneaky as you think."
I'm plenty sneaky. Just FYI. I tried to explain to him why I hadn't told him sooner, but it turned into him wrapping me up in a giant hug and my heart completely melting. I told him that he wasn't making this any easier, but he just held me a little tighter. So we're a giant mess.
He told me that my playing the piano and the ukulele were two things that made this more difficult for him. I told him that he was left handed and wore glasses. And to stop it.
"I haven't worn my glasses in a while. Do you want me to wear them more?"
"Damon, which direction do you want this to go?"
"I'll wear my glasses more."
That was the sound of me dying. Send help.
In an last ditch effort to find something to disagree with him over, I asked if he liked musicals, to which he responded, "I haven't seen very many. But I loved the sound of music."
Yep. Done.
Thursday, November 22, 2012
Sunday, November 11, 2012
Relationship Got Swag
On Thursday night, after a giant exam, I wasn't feeling like seeing people, but God had other plans. Josh asked for our help making cookies to take to the homeless shelter, so before Aubrey got home from work, I mixed up dough, and then we went over to the boys' house to do some baking. It was good bonding time for us. Josh and I did the baking, and mutually nerded out over cameras and film. Aubrey was working on calculus homework, and Damon was helping her with it. He was so tired.
At one point, Josh was working on a pan of cookies, and Aubrey was trying to teach Damon to sit cross-legged. I love these people too much. Aubrey and I talked later about how she'd really just been itching to have a conversation with Josh, and how God is faithful with our worries, because shortly after dishes were washed and cookies were boxed up, Josh made coffee and the two of them got to sit down and talk. Damon and I sat and watched his roommates play Halo for a while, and then when they'd gone to bed, just sitting on the couch together in appreciative silence. I hadn't been itching to have a conversation. Damon and I talk a lot. I was just glad to have his shoulder to lean on.
Aubrey and Josh get a little crazy sometimes. A few nights ago we were studying, and she went for his hand, and instead of letting her grab it, he clenched his fist, and they spent a good ten minutes fighting over the hand hold...I was sitting next to Damon on the other side of the table. We'd been holding hands for about twenty minutes. While they were fighting, I looked up at him. "I'm really glad I don't have to fight you for this." He just squeezed my hand and said, "I love them. But I'm really glad we aren't like that."
And we aren't. Our relationship is distinct. And I rely on him to keep me grounded. But in the midst of our wonderfulness and the ease of our relationship, I forget sometimes the significance of guarding my heart, even from someone as harmless and fantastic as Damon.
The problem with relationships with Christian boys is that they are either absolutely platonic or they play for keeps. I'm really not prepared to deal with either instance. My love for Damon is this mixed up mush of knowing someone exactly too well and realizing that one step further is exactly where you aren't prepared to go. God definitely laid it on my heart this week as we were going about our business, talking all the time, seeing each other every day, and laughing at inappropriate moments in conversations with other people because each of us knew what the other was thinking. I hit a wall about Wednesday, and I started to realize that I was going to have to talk to him about it soon.
We were supposed to go for a hike on Friday, but once he realized that something was wrong, which, darn him, he knew right away because he knows my heart, he proposed we talk.
After some discussion about what was going on between us and where we truly wanted to be, we agreed that distance was absolutely necessary. I won't say I'm going crazy. In fact, I'm actually doing fairly well, all things considered. I've seen him twice this weekend, both brief encounters, both fairly awkward. We're currently taking a fifty-seven hour break from each other, broken by evening phone chats to debrief and not go crazy. Josh is downstairs right now with Aubrey, spending time with her while she bakes. I don't know how much he knows about the current situation, because he was gone all weekend, so he and Damon may or may not have talked yet. He did spend all weekend with a boy who told me Thursday that he was interested in building an intentional relationship with me, and I don't feel like he was willing to keep that from Josh.
So Josh might think I've had a big weekend. He would be correct.
Anyway. I was struggling through this concept of guarding my heart and clearing things up with Damon, and God dropped some wisdom in my lap.
Philippians 4:7
And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your heart and your mind in Christ Jesus.
I wrote it on my arm for like the fourth time this morning. I've changed the "your" to "OUR" with the constant reminder that two of us are struggling here. I'm praying for him always, and I know we're going to figure this business out and learn how to be friends that don't stumble over silly things like feelings. God wants us to build uplifting relationships, and the root of that notion is building a foundation in the word and in Christ. We're growing, here.
At one point, Josh was working on a pan of cookies, and Aubrey was trying to teach Damon to sit cross-legged. I love these people too much. Aubrey and I talked later about how she'd really just been itching to have a conversation with Josh, and how God is faithful with our worries, because shortly after dishes were washed and cookies were boxed up, Josh made coffee and the two of them got to sit down and talk. Damon and I sat and watched his roommates play Halo for a while, and then when they'd gone to bed, just sitting on the couch together in appreciative silence. I hadn't been itching to have a conversation. Damon and I talk a lot. I was just glad to have his shoulder to lean on.
Aubrey and Josh get a little crazy sometimes. A few nights ago we were studying, and she went for his hand, and instead of letting her grab it, he clenched his fist, and they spent a good ten minutes fighting over the hand hold...I was sitting next to Damon on the other side of the table. We'd been holding hands for about twenty minutes. While they were fighting, I looked up at him. "I'm really glad I don't have to fight you for this." He just squeezed my hand and said, "I love them. But I'm really glad we aren't like that."
And we aren't. Our relationship is distinct. And I rely on him to keep me grounded. But in the midst of our wonderfulness and the ease of our relationship, I forget sometimes the significance of guarding my heart, even from someone as harmless and fantastic as Damon.
The problem with relationships with Christian boys is that they are either absolutely platonic or they play for keeps. I'm really not prepared to deal with either instance. My love for Damon is this mixed up mush of knowing someone exactly too well and realizing that one step further is exactly where you aren't prepared to go. God definitely laid it on my heart this week as we were going about our business, talking all the time, seeing each other every day, and laughing at inappropriate moments in conversations with other people because each of us knew what the other was thinking. I hit a wall about Wednesday, and I started to realize that I was going to have to talk to him about it soon.
We were supposed to go for a hike on Friday, but once he realized that something was wrong, which, darn him, he knew right away because he knows my heart, he proposed we talk.
After some discussion about what was going on between us and where we truly wanted to be, we agreed that distance was absolutely necessary. I won't say I'm going crazy. In fact, I'm actually doing fairly well, all things considered. I've seen him twice this weekend, both brief encounters, both fairly awkward. We're currently taking a fifty-seven hour break from each other, broken by evening phone chats to debrief and not go crazy. Josh is downstairs right now with Aubrey, spending time with her while she bakes. I don't know how much he knows about the current situation, because he was gone all weekend, so he and Damon may or may not have talked yet. He did spend all weekend with a boy who told me Thursday that he was interested in building an intentional relationship with me, and I don't feel like he was willing to keep that from Josh.
So Josh might think I've had a big weekend. He would be correct.
Anyway. I was struggling through this concept of guarding my heart and clearing things up with Damon, and God dropped some wisdom in my lap.
Philippians 4:7
And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your heart and your mind in Christ Jesus.
I wrote it on my arm for like the fourth time this morning. I've changed the "your" to "OUR" with the constant reminder that two of us are struggling here. I'm praying for him always, and I know we're going to figure this business out and learn how to be friends that don't stumble over silly things like feelings. God wants us to build uplifting relationships, and the root of that notion is building a foundation in the word and in Christ. We're growing, here.
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