It's Been a While...

This is the part where Dae always starts singing, and I usually poke him until he stops, because it annoys me. But that's really why he does it, so there's our dysfunctional relationship in a pistachio shell. Anyway.

Summer happened. Gosh. It really has been a while. I worked in one city, Damon worked in another. We were about an hour apart, which was rough sometimes. It's okay if you think I'm pathetic. I kind of think I'm pathetic. But nevertheless, we kept on with the Skype dates (which I hated) and the early morning phone calls and late nights tucking the phone between ears and pillows, even when we both had to be up early for work. Lots of driving. LOTS of driving. I was in a car all the time. If I wasn't driving for work, I was going to see him, or picking him up to go see someone else. It was a five thousand mile summer.

Being in the same city is nice. I missed being able to get ice cream with him because we both were free for an hour. Such a nice change. He's taken to making marriage jokes on a more regular basis, and I've warmed up to the idea significantly. We're in a premarital class now, which is fun. And disorienting. The class is technically for couples, but the church has opened it up for singles, too, which is awkward to me. Several of my friends are taking it as singles, and I kind of wish they weren't. When the instructor asks questions in class, it's difficult enough to be vulnerable about your response, but especially when fifteen single people are hanging on your every word.

How does it sound to a single person when someone in a committed relationship admits their struggles to a marriage counselor? Awkward. Among other fleshy, selfish, human emotions, I just want to share my struggles with other couples, because I feel like they'll have more grace for me.

Anyway. Busy week!

Quality Time, Purity, and the Woes of Engineering Majors

So. Okay.

These past three weeks have been a mad dash of homework and tests and major library time. And it's one of those things where you get so caught up in your responsibilities and how crazy homework is and how much you need to finish before you get to bed and how long can you sleep and still get everything turned in on time...and you miss out on important things.

Ask me how many times I've seen my boyfriend in the past three weeks.

Loads!

Ask me how many times I've seen my boyfriend outside of the library in the past three weeks.

....

Don't misunderstand. Time with Damon is always good. But I won't put a bow on studying together in a crowded university library and call it quality time. It's more like, "We have to suffer through this, we might as well suffer together."

And like I said, you don't really notice you're missing those things. Until you're really missing those things.

Tonight, I was working on an online physics assignment. Dae had come over to study, but ended up just curled up on the couch with me, helping with physics and keeping me warm. Oh! It snowed today. It's May fifth. #Kansas.

Anyway. He said he was going to leave at eleven fifteen. And eleven ten rolled around. "Babe, can you put that away for four minutes?"

So I laid on the couch with him for three and a half minutes, almost falling asleep to the sound of his breath and his heartbeat while he fiddled with my ring finger. I'm exhausted. It's been nonstop lately. And I'm not complaining. I signed up for this, and I love every second of what I'm working toward right now. But I'm tired, too. And if I don't stop long enough to acknowledge that, then I don't really notice, but three and a half minutes is a long time to lay on a couch with someone you love.

So he convinced me to sit up and walk him to the door. And at the door, hugging him goodbye, it hit me that this was the first three and a half minutes of non-obligatory quality time that we'd had in three weeks. And I started crying in the doorway of my home, feeling like the most ridiculous child in the entire world.

Rest assured, he handled in very gracefully. He wrapped me in his arms for a long minute, and then told me to go get my shoes, and he drove me around while we talked about our days and how good God is and how blessed we both are. And we prayed together. And I got a kiss goodnight. And he thanked me, thanked me, for bursting into tears at the door. "I'm never going to like it when I make you cry. But it shows me you care. I don't want to leave, ever, but if me leaving hurts you and I can see that, it makes me feel loved."

Part of me feels like we're a little silly. But I love him so very much.

Which brings us to topic number two: Purity!

Real talk: waiting is hard sometimes. I don't just mean waiting for sex. That's important. But not having sex isn't the same as being pure. Being pure is a mentality that comes from keeping your thoughts away from the things that cause you to stray, keeping your words away from the topics that cause others to stray, keeping your dress away from those outfits that cause boys to stumble, and keeping your actions from causing the one you love to stumble.

I'm not going to pretend that I know a lot about this whole conundrum. I didn't date in high school. I was nineteen and a half before I had my first kiss. And God willing, Damon is the man I will marry someday, but that doesn't give me the right to seek any sort of physical affection aside from an occasional peck. Because those things aren't conducive to a focused and Christ centered relationship outside of marriage.

Do you disagree? That's fine. You might have more self control than I do. But making out with your boyfriend isn't going to further your relationship in the right ways, is it? Do you think about that? How is what you do together drawing you nearer to Christ?

I'm not saying these things outside of experience. The first full day I got to spend with Damon, a week or so after we actually started dating, we pretty much spent eight hours kissing. And if I could go back, I would pull myself out of that situation by my ear, because how silly could I be?

Scripture tells us to flee from temptation. And things that you think aren't temptation right now--like kissing your boyfriend while watching Star Wars--can lead to temptation later on in your relationship. We made ourselves believe that kissing that way and in that quantity was okay. And then it was all we wanted to do.

So. This past week, we fasted from kissing. Still in said fast. I get one peck goodnight every night, but other than that, not so much as a forehead kiss for this girl. And I have to say, after the initial awfulness of not being able to kiss his wrist when he's driving or his cheek when I say goodbye on campus, after all of that, it's been really, really good for us. We've been talking more. I mean. It's been a crazy week, so there really wasn't much room for those distractions, but abstaining from the small stuff has been good for our focus--in the Word, in our studies, and in our relationship--whoa!

We've agreed that it should probably be a consistent practice--not so strictly, maybe, but at least limiting the amount of time our faces are very close together, so that we can be functional adults sometimes. But it's very cool to see how God grows us and keeps showing us how good He is and how blessed we are to even be able to share in this relationship. I love this boy very much.

Well this is awkward

Hello! I missed you!

It's been a few months since I updated this thing. Long enough for some very important events to go overlooked, like the establishment of an actual relationship or the first "I love you," or my first kiss...so many things you've missed out on!

Allow me to sum it up simply: I love that boy. And I'm not kidding around with that statement. In fact, give me a few years. I'm going to marry that boy. And this isn't one of those awkward situations where the girl is all ahead of the game and thinking about marriage and the boy is sitting at home playing Halo. We've talked about it. He's talked about it. To me, to his friends, to his little sister...it's a real live thing that we're going to share. And I am so excited for that.

But for right now, let me remind myself and anyone reading this that our focus in this relationship shouldn't be for three years from now. I need to put my attention into the things happening around me right this second, and I need to be able to enjoy the part of the relationship that we get to share right now, namely midnight gas station runs, ice cream, concerts, walks in the park, library dates, drives in the country...there's so much to miss out on when our focus is ahead of us instead of where our feet are.

And there's more to it than that. God doesn't want us to be thinking about what's ahead so much that we miss opportunities right now. His will is happening this very second, and that means that in the meantime, I can't be thinking about flowers or rings. But some day, we get to be that obnoxious couple with all the adorable wedding photos. And that's enough for right now.

A world of firsts...

Reporting from the front lines. First date. My first, ever. I'm a little giddy, maybe. My heart is doing somersaults all over the place. We had coffee and then lunch and then a movie and then dinner and then we came home and watched Netflix for another hour before he finally drove home. I'm riding a little bit of a high off of his face and his presence. My heart is all jumbled up in the thought of him.

We've been saying, "I like you," in situations where appropriate, to express our affections for one another, because we both know it's too early for something stronger than that. I tried to explain that like isn't it, though. It's more complete and exhilarating than that. I'm certainly not going to tell him I'm in love with him before some kind of DTR is on the table. I hope my brain is listening.